Confessions of a Simply Complex Girl

Oh pollen...How I hate thee!

2010-04-23T13:53:00.000-07:00

I have loved North Carolina for a very long time, and always dreamed of living here, but I never expected Spring to be like something out of a Stephen King novel...Everything has been coated in a fine layer of yellow dust for weeks now. My future-mother-in-law's (henceforth known as FMIL) yellow car...is well yellower.

I used to love yellow, but I now see it as the color of hate...And I hear that's not all NC has to offer either: SPIDERS THE SIZE OF DOOR KNOBS! Okay, so maybe they aren't THAT big, but from the cell phone pic FBIL showed me, they're pretty monstrous, and apparently pretty common. If you all remember my spider/'pider post, you will know just how well I will get along with those beasts...le sigh. I am doomed. I should have known Utopia doens't exist.

I just looked down at my flip-flop-clad feet and my pink polish has a fine yellow dusting. As if having bad seasonal allergies isn't enough torture, I apparently am in the one state that is being taken over by flowers and other polleny things. *Sigh.* I honestly wouldn't be so bitchy if I didn't have a pollen-induced migraine of a head ache right now...Honestly.

This post is rambly and poorly contructed, so if you made it this far, THANK YOU :)

Ta Da! I am back, and better than ever...okay, maybe not.

2010-03-30T08:32:00.001-07:00

I know, I know...I have been gone for a really, really, really long time and I hadn't realized just how long until a friend (yeah, you, Christina!) pointed out how she missed my writing. You know what? I have missed it too. A lot. So I most likely have lost the interest of whoever read this thing, but who cares? I am starting anew.

So pretty much here's my year (2009) in review:

1. I found my niche.
2. I got my dream job working at an at-risk youth shelter.
3. I lost 165 lbs (i.e. ending things with my now-ex who I finally realized was never going to treat me better, make me happier, or love me more).
4. Got my priorities straight.
5. Had a not-so midlife crisis.
6. Rediscovered my creativity, motivation, inspiration, and passion.
7. Found happiness within myself.
8. Started dating.
9. Started writing again, and now have countless novel projects, but am focusing on just one :)
10. Had the most incredible summer.
11. Realized who my true friends are.
12. Made some mistakes.
13. Learned from them.
14. Grew up a little, but not too much.
15. Met some incredible people.
16. Learned to cook a little more.
17. Went cliff jumping, to concerts, and had countless adventures with B and my other friends.
18. Made some self-discoveries.
19. Worked on improving my relationship with God.
20. Overcame my fears, but not the fears of spiders, or Lady GaGa...understandably.
21. Met the most amazing person who quickly became my best friend, ACL.
21. Fell truly, deeply in love with ACL.
22. Took my first vacation in years--5 1/2 incredible days with ACL.
23. Passed a math class! And let me tell you, that's like me syaing I got accepted to Harvard. I well, and truly, suck at math, so except the four horsemen and rain of fire anyday now...
24. Got pulled over...twice. Oops!
25. Taught B to drive, and what a harrowing experience that was...
26. Made a roller coaster out of a gravel road...Don't ask, haha.
27. Danced in the rain, witnessed countless sunsets, walked in the forests, strolled on the beach, gazed at the stars, admired the moon, watched a meteor shower...Appreciated life.
28. Truly lived.
29. Got really sick, and ended up in the ER :(

It was a crazy, beautiful, incredible year and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Here's 2010 so far...

1. Was sick over New Year's, but ACL and I talked until after the ball dropped :)
2. My grandmother passed away.
3. I moved to NC abruptly three days later to be with ACL, and hopefully put to rest my family issues.
4. Apparently that didn't work since my parents reported me as missing, and B won't talk to me.
5. Went to the beach a few times.
6. Rode my first motorcycle and dirtbike with ACL.
7. Went to my first drag race.
8. Took up painting again.
9. Worked harder on my novel.
10. Went to an Army retirement ceremony.
11. Watched paratroopers (including ACL's dad) jump from airplanes.
12. Got engaged :)

So now that we've caught up, I am going to share some of my goals...

-I want to actually work out. Yeah, at a gym. And you though those four-letter words were bad...
-I want to find a job.
-I want to plan a wedding before August without going crazier.
-I want to finish my novel, or start sending chapters out to publishers.
-I want to reopen my Etsy shop, and start crafting again, and actually make some money (pocket change even!) doing something I like.
-I want to buy a Nikon d40, or perhaps the new generation, and do something with my photography.
-I want to actually keep up with this blog.

And that's just a start :)

Easy Bake Oven Saga

2009-10-04T08:33:00.001-07:00

I thought the harmonica was bad. I thought wrong. These days my youngest sister has taken to the Easy Bake Oven, and is always baking. Always. Goodbye, harmonica and recorder. Hello, mostly baked goods. She has found her way into her bestfriend's brother's heart with her goodies. He is just 7 years-old, and can't get over how good at cooking she is. He even proposed, so the old addage "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" is true. Apparently. So now I need to learn to cook and bake...

Anyway, how can you resist a miniature person who looks at you conjolingly while offering something they baked "just for you"? Ugh, she would make the Grinch's heart grow ten sizes.
Everytime I succumb I wonder if I am going to die. After all, how safe could it be, baking in a plastic oven with a light bulb? Olivia and her cakes of doom...

To Be Continued...Maybe. I just ate another of her cakes.

A is my favorite letter of the alphabet...

2009-09-02T07:16:00.000-07:00

For my digital art and photography class we had to do a self-portrait series, and yours truly received an A. I have to admit that it felt a bit weird photo shooting myself, but once I got into it, it actually became easier, and I discovered using myself is actually a cheap and easy was to improve my skills at photographing people. Of course, I also use my sisters, muhahaha.

1:

2:

3:

4:

Coming up next: A photo series on someone else. I think I'll volunteer my sister for this ;)

Spiders vs. 'Piders

2009-08-29T12:46:00.000-07:00

I did battle with a spider today, and nearly lost. I love snakes. In fact, I've had one bigger around than my arm round my neck, but the word "spider" is enough to send me into convulsions...A friend of mine tries to make them sound "less threatening" by referring to Them as "'piders," but it doesn't work. A spider is a spider no matter the name or size. My spider theory--yes, obviously at one point I had too much time to actually develop a theory regarding the brutes--is that if you can see a spider, it's too big. Oh, and it deserves to die. Do NOT believe anyone who say you're a million times bigger than that "little thing," as if that makes them less fearsome. Uh, not to mention that David brought down Goliath.

Anyway, I have a 6th sense about spiders. If they're around, I know it. Just like I knew the one the size of a pinhead was trying to bungee jump onto my shoulder from his tiny little web. Today I was minding my own business--yeah, yeah, surprise of surprises--when I knew one was watching me. I look around, then I saw him, on the curtain. I jumped up and reached for the vacuum cleaner wand. I don't squash--that involves getting near the blasted thing--I suffocate. I don't want to hear "aww" or "how cruel." I'd like to see how you deal with a multi-eyed, eight legged, hideous, ugly, beastly invader. I came near, and I could almost hear his, "Uh oh."

He ran up the curtain and tried to hide in the folds, then when the vacuum cleaner growled, I jumped on my bed, wand in hand. The spider sprang on top of the curtain, and rushed towards me, then stopped as if he had seen this huge, wild-eyed, vacuum-wand-wielding giant, which he had... And tried to head up the wall. That is where he met his maker. Buffy slays vampires, I slay spiders. Not much of a difference, really. The moral of the story? I don't really have one. I hate spider, 'piders, and any other cutesy variations. I also hate that guy who thought it'd be funny to come up behind me with a tarantula, knowing how I felt about even the smallest spider, and stick it in my face. Needless to say he won't be reproducing. No loss to the human race, to be sure.

Harmonica...O how I hate thee!

2009-08-25T20:30:00.000-07:00

Here's a pointer for all you would-be, should-be, might-be parents. Don't buy an eight year old a harmonica. My mom made that mistake, and Olivia decided to wake me up playing something a cross between the Mexian Death March and a cat in the trash compactor. I jolted awake, looking like a creature from Shelley's imagination, and behaving like Queen Latifah in "Bringing Down the House."
For a moment, I thought I was dead, but I realized that if that was somebody's idea of a heavenly chorus, they needed lots of help.
Olivia just beamed at me, "I hope you like it because I wrote it for you."
What can you say to that? Really. I just melted into a puddle, and smiled at her, and told her thank you....that I loved it. Can God really hold that teeny lie against me? And I really did feel warmer to it after she told me about it.
I passed mom on the way to the blessed shower, and grumbled, "Was it YOUR idea to buy her that noisemaker?"
She just grinned, and told me that Bethany and I had both had hormonicas.
I told her I didn't remember that. Perhaps I blocked it out.
"I do," she said with emphasis.
I later learned Olivia had dropped it on the street, and it fell apart, nearly getting run over. It survived. Mom put it back together like Humpty freakin' Dumpty, and now as I write this, Olivia is sounding like the Little Engine That Couldn't.

Dentists: Agents of Evil

2009-08-25T19:54:00.000-07:00

Today was simply wonderful. If you don't catch the sarcasm, a 800 pound woman named Olga will sneak up on you, and smack you senseless. I had a final dentist appointment today that would last an hour. Did I mention that my dentist's office is located in the butt crack of West Virginia? In that town, there are no "town weirdos," because they're all rather strange.
I was not looking forward to the visit at all, as last time half of my face (even my eyeball) was numb for the rest of the day because her assistant got injection-happy. I had this awesome Al Capone sneer going, but my smile was worthless.

This time they numbed pretty much everything that could be numbed. My tongue felt like it weighed five pounds, and I couldn't feel my lips or face. The assistant--I named her Bloody Mary for the flossing incident of '06, which I'll leave to everyone's clever imaginations--tried to talk to me during the procedure. Okay, I am numb, my tongue and lips are useless, my mouth is held open by a torturous plastic "thingy," and there's a drill in my mouth. I've been told I'm a wonderful conversationalist, but even I'm not that good.

They're shrouded, goggled, and masked as if I am going to contaminate them with cooties or something. They leave me virtually uncovered with tooth dust flying in my contacts. What fun. I learned never to close your eyes when you're at the dentist because they think they killed you. They almost did, I'm sure. I found out that my dentist has husband issues. His voice gives her an instant headache, and she's tired of long days with people in her lap. Okay....And I thought the redneck on parole in the waiting room with punched-lose teeth, and no reading ability had it bad.

After they had finished, I tried to speak, but garbled noises came out...I take pride in my speaking ability, but it was gone for hours. I spoke only when needed, as I sounded like a 3 month old. As if stealing my smile last time wasn't bad enough, they took my speaking ability. This crap lasts six hours.
I found many photo opportunities--strange people (go figure), a burned out store and mannequin (I made the arson investigator kinda suspicious), and a house painted like the American flag (um, don't know what to make of that).

When the opportunity presented itself, I also studied for my math class...

My Return

2009-08-18T09:49:00.000-07:00

I have been gone for a very long time, I realize, and I am sorry for that. I just needed some time and space to clear my head, mainly due to the fact that I broke things off with my fiance'. It's been a while now, and I truly have had no second thoughts. I simply regret that he seems to be quite upset now, despite a lack of emotion at the time.

I have felt more like myself since then, and have been focusing more on my art and writing! Right now I am working on two of six novel plots, one of which I have completed fourteen chapters. I am rather excited, because I feel that these stories and characters have a real chance at going somewhere.

I am happy, and I cannot recall the last time I could say that. I have even started dating again, here and there. Being single, and somewhat new to this dating thing (I haven't been single since I was fifteen, and my ex is the only one I really dated), it's thrown me some curveballs, but I am slowly adapting. The only unfortunate thing is that school has started rather abruptly, and I would much rather summer go on....which reminds me, I'll have to write a blog just about my summer, the first I have truly been able to enjoy in years.

"Clint Eastwood Is Going to Eat Us Up!"

2009-06-29T21:47:00.000-07:00

This evening, my sister B and I took a walk around the neighborhood, and as we were making our way back home, noticed that quite a few guys were standing in the road staring at us. Rather than trudge through the thick of hicks, we opted to cut through a neighbor's yard. It was then that I noticed my sister looked nervous.
"What's the matter?" I asked.
She glanced about, and muttered, "Clint Eastwood is going to eat us up!"
"What are you talking about?"
"You know. Their dog."
"They named their dog Clint Eastwood?" I asked, still confused.
"Um, that's his name?"
"I have no idea," I told her. "I'm just repeating what you told me."
"I never said anything about Clint Eastwood," she said. "Whoever he is."

I have no idea how we got so mixed up, but I am pretty sure that communicative "skills" like ours cause war. Besides, how could she not know who Clint Eastwood is? He's the Chuck Norris of Westerns minus the roundhouse kick.

Tinkerbell

2009-06-21T16:56:00.000-07:00

Who needs a trail of bread crumbs? When I got home today, I merely had to follow the trail of glitter leading up the drive way, over the yard, up the steps, and to the computer. My youngest sister, O, got a hold of the glitter today and now everything and everyone is wearing it. It looks like Tinkerbell was brutally murdered...I kept brushing off the nasty stuff, but I can't help feeling--and looking--like a Britney Spears retread from the 90s.

I hate glitter, and it's quite obvious that the person who gifted my sister with the colored gitter set does not have children. Anyone who has children, or contact with children, would never be so cruel...Ah well. I'm still Kai, just in multi-color.

Training Bras...

2009-06-21T16:45:00.000-07:00

Today mom, B, and I took O clothes shopping. My ever-funny and frighteningly intelligent youngest sister bounced over to the wrack of "training bras,"* becoming the latest victim of our over-sexualized society. Okay, we all know the history of bras. That wacky Frenchman thought of yet another way to torture us females, because high heels obviously weren't enough. I must admit they have their benefits, but why would anyone with a training "cup" (it's a tiny 2" by 2" triangle that is not the least bit cupped)? What exactly are they keeping in place? And what the hell is a training bra, anyway? Do they teach the girls to do tricks? If so, mine are stunted and sadly untalented.
I don't understand girls who are excited, enthralled, and exuberant (yes, I exhausted my 'E' vocabulary with that) about certain developments. The first instantly means you are no longer "one of the guys," your IQ instantly goes down if they're any big than a "training cup," some people will try to have full conversations with them, and jumping jacks become your enemy. I mean who likes getting smacked in the face 200 times?
The second means Eve has an excuse to kick your ass every month, and if you don't like the torture devices commonly referred to as tampons, you have to go around wearing something that is about as comfortable as a diaper for a week. If that doesn't make you cringe, trying cramping, which is not only in the stomach region, mind you. Guys swear you have mood swings when they're just stupid enough to stand between you and the chocolate, or utter "PMS." Bah! Permissable Manslaughter.
I myself was the person who defined "tomboy." Sure I had long blonde hair past my waist (it darkened naturally), and occasionally played with Barbies, but that is beside the point. I was respected by the infamous Big Kids, and was wild...okay, stupid. I took any dare, even if it meant jumping in a field with an angry bull. Admittedly, not my brightest moment. How I made it to age 8 is beyond me, because I can think of at least nine times that I could have, possibly should have, died. I remember clearly when those damn changes started, I was furious, especially with mom. She fixed everything else, why couldn't she fix that? I eventually got used to the changes, and don't mind them so much now, expect the second one--I'll never get used to Eve's ass kicking, which puts Chuck Norris' infamous roundhouse to shame.

Disclaimer: I do understand that bust size is a touchy topic for many women, but this was not directed at you ladies, but more the 3 year olds wearing undergarments akin to things I might find at Victoria's Secret.

"The Last Song"

2009-06-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

“The Last Song” also known as “Nicholas Sparks Sells Out” is a movie starring Miley “Look at Me” Cyrus. Reportedly she always longed to be in a Nicholas Sparks movie, so Billy Ray decided to forgo the pony for her birthday and instead bought her a screenplay by, you got it, Nicholas Sparks.

According to IMDB, the movie is about an angsty young girl who spends the summer with her estranged father. Wait! Are there vampires and werewolves in this movie? It sounds like little miss Miley is longing for a Twilight-and-The Notebook combo of her very own.

Be rest assured that with a title like “The Last Song” she will be screeching out some lyrics at one point or another. She takes great pride in her vocals, and has been known to brag about her lack of formal voice lessons (IMDB, 2007). Anyone who has heard her song “The Climb” can tell you that is painfully obvious.

I mourn the loss of Nicholas Sparks, for to sell out is to die. “The Notebook” was incredible, and all of his other hits were as well, but I wonder how he will recover from what is sure to be a box office flop or a Disney hit.

In 2010, save your ticket money, or better yet donate it to a more worthy cause than Ms. Cyrus’ pocket book.

Happiness

2009-06-04T12:43:00.000-07:00

I am happy. If only you knew how the past two years had been, you would understand just how major an accomplishment that is. I have had so many stressors, mainly involving family and now-former friends, and unemployment. Those stressors effected my relationships, my physical and emotional health, and at one point, my school performance.

I have never had trouble in school, but certain familial and friend-related issues caused me to have a poor result in two classes one semester, but I have gotten my grades back up and found out that I can graduate with my first degree as soon as December or Spring. true it’s from a small college, but I do have plans to go on to get my degrees in Social Work and Psychology from one of the universities that first accepted me when I graduated at sixteen (an age I truly didn't feel prepared to go off to school alone, so at 17 a small college seemed the best bet, and I met some of the best people, friends, and instructors here).

Familial issues have calmed a great deal, and the friends who caused me so much stress, I no longer call friends. I got job that just so happens to be my dream, and so far, I love it. I have good hours (so far), love the kids, and like most of the people I am working with. Also, if I become a full-timer they will pay up to 90% of my tuition to the college of my choice, which is a awesome.

I am writing again, and while I am on hiatus from the novel I have been working on for ions, I have a few other projects in mind, one of which I hope I can finish by fall, and pursue publishing. Becoming published is one of my major dreams, and on my list of things to do before I die (again, lol). I am also doing more with my art, up cycling, crafting, making jewelry, painting, photography, etc. For a while, I was just so stressed and blah about everything that art went on the back burner.

I am reading again! I love to read beyond all else, and growing up I always went around with a book and a spare (or two). Now I am reading. I’m also trying new things, and even retrying things that I hated before, such as “How I Met Your Mother” and other books and movies. Some, I still hate, others I now love.

I see the beauty, the fun, the vibrancy in life again. I never completely lost my outlook on life, but my rose colored glasses were getting a bit foggy. The other night at work, I watched a brilliant storm. I LOVE storms, but in the last few months, I can’t remember taking the time to watch one.

True, Fox and I have been going through a rocky patch, but we both know that it’s all been rooted in all the stress. We’re working through it, and the happier I become, the less dissatisfied I feel with things between us. I guess the stress and anger made me more nitpicky and sensitive.

The car Gershom gave me Valentine’s Day before last (while old) is running beautifully, and now just needs a water pump. I love having my own wheels =] I am going out more with friends, having more fun, and I truly feel like skipping or doing a little dance. The latter might be a little bit frightening since I am severely rhythmically challenged and would like a demented Chui Wawa on speed.
This is my blessing list, I suppose and it’s growing. Thank you God for restoring my life and happiness =]

I'm Official, and Possible Plans!

2009-06-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

I survived the midnight shift, which I fully expected to do despite my co-worker's attempts to worry me with her harrowing story of crashing her car on the way home after her first midnight...
I believe that the last five minutes of the shift lasted longer than the entire shift did!

I am now official staff(!), and will work my first "real" shift Saturday. Fox and I have plans to see each other before I head in for the evening since that's our usual day to spend together, so I am looking forward to that. I get along with the kids well. One calls me her "new best friend" or "twin" since we have so many similarities. The first day I earned one of the boys respect because, in his words, I'm "quick with those comebacks." The youngest likes me, I think, because I give him attention, something the older kids don't do. The others like me well enough, especially the gamer because a) I can rock on Guitar Hero, and b) I "blend in with the residents."

I really like it there, and hope that I can stay on long-term. I also hope that once Fox and I solidify our wedding plans that I will be able to focus my hours toward the mornings. I know they are hard to come by, but I would hate to be married to a man I never see as he works five days a week, all mornings to evenings, and currently my schedule is predominantly evening!

I am also rather excited, because if my younger sister and I can get the money together, and I can get the time off, we're thinking of doing some traveling next month before the semester starts. Summer break doesn't last as long as it used to, I'm afraid.

About to Work My First Midnight Shift...

2009-06-03T19:36:00.001-07:00

0_o I don't drink coffee, but even if I did, I somehow doubt that there would be enough coffee in the world to make me feel perky by the end of my shift...I think I feel a bit more tired than I would ordinarily because my balance has been kind of wrecked with working the morning, evening, and now midnight in just three days. That balance is a must to keep those spells at bay, the same spells that led to my death. This is part of my training (I have to shadow all shifts), and while the bosses seemed pretty fired up at the present staff for not wanting to work midnights, I honestly can't, at least not on a regular basis.
I really enjoy working with these kids, and since I started on the 21st, we've already lost two to new placement =[ That's part of the cycle, but a bit sad at the same time. My hope is that they both go on to live better lives than the lives they have left behind.

Mid-Way Through Training...

2009-05-31T08:17:00.000-07:00

I have been absent for a number of days, swamped with training every day and other such responsibilities, but I love it! I might be a little less cheerful after the next four days, haha, because I will be shadowing the 8-4 tomorrow, the 4-12 the next, and the mid Wed-8 Thurs. Then a day off (I think) and a barrage of shifts until the 15th!

After my extensive time of unemployment, it is a great feeling to be working again, although I am going to have to think of a new term, because I never think of spending time with children as "work." Contrary to immediate familial belief, I do love working, and it makes me feel so much more energetic and purposeful. I hope that this new position will be everything I imagined and more, since I have envisioned helping at a child shelter for a very long time.

The people I work with are very nice, and the kids'--from what I have been told--are a good bunch, although they are especially watchful of two of them. The bosses are a bit intimidating, but have been kind to me, and I hope it stays that way! By far, I believe Monday will be my busiest day because not only do I work, I also have to get the TB test, a doctor's physical, and then celebrate with my cousin and her boyfriend (it's her birthday). I am looking forward to it, though. What I am not looking forward to is the great deal of post-spring cleaning I have to do today...My room looks a fright, which I must say has been a sadly consistent thing with the crazy semester I just pulled through. I was busy focusing on my course-load and not so much where my things were ending up, I'm afraid. I might as well get started...I highly doubt the cleaning fairy is going to wave her wand on my behalf, although that would be very nice...

I got a job!!!

2009-05-23T19:01:00.000-07:00

The economy has not been my friend in the last eleven months that I have been job hunting, but then a former classmate offered to get me an interview where he worked, an at-risk children shelter. My dream job since I plan to go into Social Work, and psychology. I have wanted to help at-risk children, and someday adopt, since I went on mission week as a kid, helping at soup kitchens and children shelters. It was there that my group leader commented on how good I was with the kids, and told me that the social worker had spoken to him about how the girl I had been paired with had not talked to anyone, or even smiled, until I came.

Later, I worked at Boy Scout/Girl Scout camp for several summers, mainly as counselor to children of all ages. The camp also served as an outreach to at-risk and poverty stricken children. We washed their clothes, shod them, fed them, etc. One in my charge had never had a birthday cake and was the sole provider for his family at just nine years old. He mowed lawns for money to feed his family. From that time on I dreamed of working at, or starting, a shelter someday. I have plenty of dreams and aspirations, but this has been paramount.

I got the job, and on Monday will go in for manual reading and shift shadowing, already having completed First Aid and CPR training. I cannot wait, and hope that it will be as fulfilling as I have always dreamed it would be...

How I Met Your Mother: My Newest Addiction

2009-05-23T18:41:00.000-07:00

"How I Met Your Mother" is, as they say, a love story in reverse. It begins with Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor) in the year 2030 sitting his son and daughter down to tell the the story of how he met their mother (narration by Bob Saget).

At first, his children are irritated to be bothered, after all they have important teenage things to do, but slowly as he shared his life experiences--good, bad, and hilarious--they get immersed in the story of a man desperate to find someone he can love and make a family with.

The story also follows the exploits of his friends Barney Stinson (skillfully played by Neil Patrick Harris) a hilarious womanizer and writer of the "Bro Code," Marshall Erikesen (Jason Segal) a lovable giant and college roommate of Ted's, Lily Aldrin (Alyson Hannigan) the sweet and quirky artist girlfriend of Marshall, and Robin Scherbatsky (Cobie Smulders) the Canadian newscaster who is friend to all and occasional love interest of Ted.

Much of the sitcom's comedy comes from the roommatehood of Ted, Marshall and Lily and many of Ted's life lessons can also be related to this as well. I have never be a lover of television, and nor have I been able to find a show I loved more than "The Twilight Zone" or "Tour of Duty," then "How I Met Your Mother" came along. It is a solid, heartwarming, laugh-your-ass off show that I'd give ten thumbs up if I had so many thumbs...

My Family and Revelations

2009-05-23T18:38:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I will never in this blog talk about or reveal personal problems in my relationship. However, if it is relevant to a lesson, I will touch on the surface of it, and provide what was learned. I would feel anything more than that would be a betrayal to him, and to us both.

I won’t lie…Fox and I have been having serious problems lately, so serious that we have come very close to ending things more than once (and that is something that has never occurred in 3 years we have been together), and are taking things slow with the wedding that is just under four months away. Our central issue is that he worries he won’t be able to make me happy, and while he has his insensitive side, and we have our differences, I have never met a more thoughtful person, or anyone who suits me nearly so well. He genuinely makes my happiness and wellbeing paramount, and looks out for me before anyone else, including himself. While his doubts have planted seeds, I have been working on things with him. I have known him since I was 14, been friends with him since I was 15, in love with him since I was 16, dating him since I was 17, and engaged to him since I was 18 so he has always been a part of my life, an integral part of my life.
I have never believed in “the one,” or “one true love.” There may be just one person for some, but the human heart is capable of loving more than one person, even at the same time because there is not one kind of love. So sure maybe he’s right and there is someone else out there for me, but I chose him. I never used to believe this, the eternal romantic I was, but the more you live the more you learn. Fox is my first deep, abiding love, and while there are elements to our relationship that aren’t perfect, we aren’t perfect either, and have many more positive elements.
The starter on my car went out, so I had to take it to the shop. His mom set it up with her mechanic and since Fox is the primary on the insurance, the key tag had both our surnames on it. I have to admit, I haven’t taken it off. I like looking at it, seeing both of our names…Then, today I was spending time with him at his parents’ house, and his brother, sister-in-law, sister, paternal grandmother, and great aunt came over for a cook out. I love his family-- well, maybe not his sister and sister-in-law so much, but they aren’t the easiest to get along with. His brother was talking about the “original P{insert family name}s” and everyone was laughing because the originals are, of course, dead. And then they started ticking off the Ps.
His Aunt Julia looked at me and smiled, “Kaitlin’s the ninth P.”
Everyone agreed.
I cannot put into words just how much that meant to me. They have always made me feel as part of the family since the beginning, and here they were openly counting me as part of the P family…I told Fox that while we’re still taking things slow, that it was then that I realized that I still wanted that, to be a part of his family. All the things have combined in the last few days to give me the answer I have been searching for: I don’t want to end things with him. While it’s true that he won’t always make me happy, it’s also true that I won’t always make him happy, and it really isn’t his responsibility to make sure I am incandescently happy every second of every hour of every day.

Great News!

2009-05-14T23:13:00.000-07:00

I am finished with finals, registered for the next semester, and found out that I could graduate this December if I so wish! That's great news, but one science class would be difficult enough, so I think am going to hold off on the remaining science credit and graduate in the Spring.
Now I just need to survive math and science (the three other courses shouldn't be too bad). I'll have my first degree, and be able to start on my next (psychology) from the university of my choice.
I got home to find out that I have a job interview with a children's shelter. That would be perfect for me since I want to go into troubled youth counseling, and even more perfect since I have been job hunting for nearly a year.
Things seem to be looking up =] Well, besides some issues I need to work out with a certain someone.

My Art Final...

2009-05-13T22:11:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning is my art final: a sketch of our choice, based on a famous work of art, displaying what we have learned in class. I learned something alright...I do better when I am drawing people than when I am trying to capture someone else's inspiration. YET, it turned out to be quite good (in my opinion) as a stand alone, but perhaps not so much as a tribute to Picasso, haha =]

I at first hated the sepia crayon. Blending was not easy, and you pretty much had to rub your fingers raw to get anywhere with it, but the more you work with it, the better it becomes.

I am going to continue with art, and in the next blog, perhaps I will post my sketches, one of a friend, another of my sister, and my first oil painting...Can you tell that I love art?
Oh, and this is copyrighted. You snatch it, I hunt you down and gut you like a fish, in the words of the Grinch.

I am so excited (and nervous)! Tomorrow I have my last two finals, and then I will finally be able to take a much-needed break. Between familial and friend troubles, job hunting, and a myriad of other stressors, I am relieved to have a chance to take a proverbial deep breath...Wish me luck!

My 5th Deathiversary!

2009-05-10T16:51:00.000-07:00

Today, May 9, is my 5th Deathiversary! I am so happy to be alive, enjoying life, facing its adversity, becoming a better person, living my dreams, and accomplishing my goals. Five years ago , I suffered from “spells”--instances when my vision would blur then go white, my hearing would fail, I would become weak, feel ill and as if I had eaten in days. They were horrible and terrifying because I never knew when they would occur.
Then Mother’s Day morning arrived. I woke early to ready for the special church service, and greeted my dad before heading to the bathroom. As I began to undress, I started to have a spell. Frustrated, I tried to fight it off (at times I was successful in fending them off), and sat down on the close toilet. Things went black, and my last thought before collapsing was “This is wrong! It never goes black.” Then I was lost with no sight, no sound, no thoughts.
After some time, I found I was walking down a shadowed path cut between two towering mountains. The foliage was barely discernable in the faded light, and I had perfect peace. I was practically skipping with excitement, and I had one circular thought, “I am going home! I am finally going home!” Then behind me, I could hear my parents calling for me, begging me to come back, but I did not wish to. I wanted to go home so very badly., so I kept walking .
A voice I can only describe as crashing thunder and the softest caress said, “Kaitlin, it’s not your time. Turn back.”
I wanted to disobey the voice more than anything, but I found I had no choice, and witnessed myself--all shadow--walking back into the light. I saw my parents standing over me, shaking me , and then with a jolt, I was back in my body. I wanted to tell them to stop shaking me, tapping my face, but I couldn’t speak, let alone hold my head up or open my eyes. After a few more moments, I managed to get out a few words, and they helped me to bed where they helped me redress before rushing my to the hospital.
Tests for everything,, from cancer to seizures, were run but nothing showed up and the doctor’s could come up with no explanation for why a healthy, active, young girl would drop dead at fifteen years of age. It was at the hospital I learned the full story. Apparently after I had left dad to shower, twelve minutes passed and he did not hear the water running so he had gone to check on me, thinking I had returned to bed.
He saw me slumped against the sink, colorless, blue-lipped, without a pulse or heartbeat, and not breathing. I was cold to the touch and no responsive. He panicked, and that is when I heard them begging me to come back. When the details of my experience trickled back, I told my family doctor. He was stunned at all I had witnessed, and in a reverent tone, he said to my parents, “Your daughter is a living miracle.”
After this, I was terrified of living, tried to plan every detail, risked nothing, and cheated myself of living.
It was not until I fell in love with my best friend, Fox, and risked it all by telling him how I felt at seventeen that I truly started on my journey. He returned my feelings, and taught me so many lessons, like the best moments are those unplanned.
I let go of trying to plan on an uncertain future, started experiencing, stepping outside my comfort zone, and truly began to live! I became more outgoing, accomplished some of my goals, lived some of my dreams, made new friends, and achieved happiness despite the chaos of the last few years. I can never thank God for the second chance He has given me, and I hope that when I leave again, I will have left a mark on this world, changed at least one person for the better, and that all who know me can say “She truly lived.”

135 Days to Go: Wedding Planning Progress Report With PHOTOS!

2009-05-07T09:13:00.000-07:00

Engagement Photo:

One of many versions of the same photo by me...

Date: Saturday, September 19, 2009

Time: 2:00 pm

Location: The State Park

Wedding Theme: Old English/Offbeat Pride & Prejudice

Wedding Inspiration Boards:

Wedding Colors: Midnight, platinum, pale pink, light green, and white.

kaicolorscheme by jmmiller8

This may change a little since our new outdoor venue, and intimate ceremony style will make it more informal.

Formality: Semi-formal.

Wedsite: http://www.mywedding.com/foxnkai

Save-the-Dates: For $5.45 I got 250 save-the-dates thanks to Vista Print’s free business card deal:

Invitations: I am making our own from over-a-century-old and one-of-a-kind postcards. Each in keeping with our theme with swirl handwriting, and covers with flowers or romance themes.

RSVP cards:

Officiants: Instead of having our goth rev friend officiate, we're having our preacher and his aunt (also a preacher) co-officiate.

Flowers: We're using beaded flowers instead of real flowers in the wedding colors. In fact, my flower girl will walk down the aisle with six beaded flowers to present to each mother and grandmother instead of casting petals.
I’ll be carrying a bouquet of six pink beaded roses, and the bridesmaids will carry an antique volume of their favorite book.
We’ll have no other flowers, and none that are fresh.

Engagement Ring: Gershom unknowingly chose the very ring I wanted: 1/5 Marquise-cut diamond solitaire in a 2mm white gold band.

Wedding Rings: My mister and I originally tried to design our own wedding bands via Etsy, but the seller seriously screwed up my ring. We then went on the ring hunt. He isn’t too picky since he doesn’t generally like jewelry (the wedding band being the one concession), so he left the choosing to me.

I had this ring made…

The seller gfox88 was fantastic, and made it in just a day, but I wanted something a bit more sturdy, so I am going to get my mister this thick titanium ring with an inner-engraving of something poignant to us…

I had considered it all for my ring, from a plain and very thing band to something blingy, then I found this on eBay and fell instantly in love…

Our ring nest for the ringwarming…

Bridal Jewelry: I handmade my bridal jewelery, which doubles as my "something old, something new," from freshwater pearls, crystal accents, silver clasps, and a 1,900 year old Roman leaf pendant.

I decided earring crafting wasn’t quite my skill, so I had Oklahoma Mama (LOVE her!) make a custom pair with blue accents and pearls, which takes care of my “something blue”!

I'll also wear my great grandmother's ring in memory of her, as I was her main caregiver leading up to her death, and we became very close during our time together...

I’ll be wearing this pin and Gershom will be wearing the matching, “I would rather be smooching my nerdy wife” courtesy of ButtonsEmpire.

Bride:

The Headpiece:

My Wedding Headpiece by AlwaysKai

Hems ‘N’ Bustles did a smashing job.

The Dress: This blog has photos of me wearing the dress, but here are the images from Camilla La Vie’s site:

Self-taken detail, full-length, and detachable train shots (forgive the black undergarments)…

The only alteration I’ll need is a modesty panel, as it is a bit too revealing.

The Garter: We’re on the fence about this particular tradition…I think it’s tradition’s way of trying to cop a feel pre-wedding night, haha. IF I do go this route, I want something like this:

My mister and I have, and are working to, include bits of our heritage into the wedding. I am just about everything, but predominantly Cherokee and Irish. This garter would be the perfect combinations. One of my known Cherokee ancestors was my full-blooded great-great grandmother and her middle name was Green (Native Americans often chose color names when acclimating to “white life”) and the claddagh charm for my Scot-Irish/Irish ancestry.

The Bouquet:

Six French beaded pink roses…The photo really doesn’t do them justice.

Bride's Wedding Night Lingerie:

It will definitely surprise him =]
Groom:

The Attendants:

The bridesmaids' dress is in Midnight with a Platinum sash. This board shows some of our gift ideas. We're working on the guys' gifts, and I'm nearly finished with the girls' gifts. We're keeping their personalities in mind, and so far we've found great alternatives to the generic board items. The girls will each receive freshwater pearl bracelets and a pocket mirror from Madison Craft (I custom ordered all of them).

Our Shoes:

Mine (in silver)…

His…

The bridesmaids and I will wear silver heels of our choosing for the ceremony, and Gershom and his groomsmen will wear the converse throughout.

Wedding Party: We each started off with seven, but I am experiencing some attendant issues…

Couple Slideshow Photos for the Reception (still working on the infancy to childhood photo collection):

Pre-Ceremony Music:

"Fade to Black" by Apocalyptica (5:03)
"Black Bird" by The Beatles--Across the Universe cover (3:05)
"Irish Whistle + Tin Whistle & Guitar" by Tinwhistler (2:07)
"The Butterfly" by Ulli and Tinwhistler (1:55)
"Hip Agus Hop / The Roaring Barmaid" by Tinwhistler (3:26)
"Promentory (Last of the Mohicans)" (6:13)
"You Raise Me Up" by Celtic Women (4:39)
"Brown-Eyed Girl" by Weezer (3:29)
"Still the One" by FMIL Sherri P. (3:28)

Processional Music:

"Polska" by Ulli and Tinwhistler (3:05)

Bride's Walk:

"Can't Help Falling In Love" by Lick the Tins (3:23)

Recessional Music:

"Our Farewell" by Within Temptation (2:11)

The pre-ceremony music will be axed since we’re not going to have everyone standing around for that long, and we’ll see about the rest.

Ceremony Draft:

Is probably my favorite part of the wedding...It's beautiful, and we wrote it together a year or so ago. I'll post it later =]

First Dance Song: We still haven't decided, but it will be performed by friends by our Rock Band “wedding band.” What can I say? I’m marrying a gamer, and I’m a mild one myself.

Father/Daughter and Mother/Son Dances: Still haven't decided. I always dread these kinds of dances…

Reception Site: Our church's new Life Center.

Reception Decor: We're hoping to do something like this...

Seating Chart: Here is the full-sized image, and description of the set up.

Guest Book: We have considered a signable photo mat, a photo guest book, and the like, but opted to not do any of them. I will make one of my metal books with a framed photo of us on the cover and beading in our wedding colors. I make these books for everyone I know who gets married to be filled with memories, advice, drawings, etc. We will also have permanent markers, and beautiful stones for everyone to sign then place in a glass vase as a beautiful display for our new home.

Activities: This is still in the works, but we will have Rock Band and video game stations =] A tribute to my gamer boy. We'll also have a DIY photo booth using a gilt frame, a basket of goodies for them (costume jewelry, feather boas, masks, etc), and foam sword duels. I'm making a handmade metal book with beading a framed cover photo of my mister and I together for our guests to fill with memories and advice (see Guest Book).

Kid's Section: A paper-covered table cloth with crayons at each place setting, games, babysitters, etc.

Centerpieces: I have long collected antique books, so they'll be our centerpieces, like so:

Reception Music: We're playing the music in a progressive fashion starting with a few songs form the era from which we've taken our theme, and moving on to more modern music. Our list is still being compiled.

Photo Account Wreath: Since we are having free seating, I decided an awesome seating chart I found would be perfect for Flickr account info. That way the guests can snatch a leaf, and upload their visual goodies:

Wedding Cupcakes (instead of wedding cake):

We’ll have a cupcake like this…

And self-decorate cupcake stand for everyone else…

Groom's Super Mario Cupcakes: I need to find someone in our area willing to work with fondant, so that I can surprise my mister with a special version of groom’s cake…

If we can’t have them, we’ll definitely have Super Mario and Princess Peach as our giant cupcake’s topper. Ellethecoconut is trying her hand at making the topper for us =]

Reception Food: We're serving food trays, a few dishes prepared by a chef friend, crashers, desert, wedding cupcakes, and a candy buffet.

Reception Sweets for the candy buffet:

Reception Inspiration Board:

Photographer: Offbeat Bride Laura. I found her through my group Talent Trade. She posted some awesome pics, and I am quite impressed, and excited.

Videographer: Still need to find one or two of those =] His uncle is the head of the electronics dept of Ohio Univeristy, and he may be able to do it.

DJ: Gershom's older brother, a DJ, will perform this service for free as a wedding gift.

Groom's Gifts: Okay, I admit it. I'm going to spoil the boy. I'm making him a metal book containing the offbeat fairy tale he wrote for me the day before we got together, our story, and favorite memories. The "I would rather be smooching my nerdy wife" button. I am also getting him a kickass watch that is a modern take on the locket. The face lifts to reveal a picture, and the inside can be engraved with a three-line message of your choice:

Officiants’ and parents’ Gifts: We’ll likely get them gift cards to their favorite restaurants. We don’t have an officiants’ fee for either one, so we definitely want to do something nice for his aunt and our minister.

Gifts for Those Lending Talent: We haven't decided on those yet...
Not to mention I found these great gift card holders in our wedding colors…

There's still so much more to do! My To-Do List keeps growing, though I have scratched off a lot of items...
So what do you lovely ladies think?

So much has changed since the last time I made a progress report...The last month I have had so much going on that I haven't really done much planning-wise (an oddity to be sure), and I feel so behind...We still need to do so much. I need to find a job, we need a videographer, and we need to check out the new venue to see how many people can attend then cut or guest list accordingly...Not to mention 1 million other tasks...

3 Years: Our Journey

2009-05-06T14:11:00.000-07:00

May 6, 2009 marks three incredible years in which my fiance' and I have been together, but it also highlights the best years of my life (so far). In these years, not only have I shared some highly treasured moments with my mister from kissing in the rain to dancing in the moonlight, but I have truly lived, something I had been afraid of until Fox and our friends broke down the Great Wall of Kai.

I had a lot of baggage, familial, middle childhood, and most especially from my death at fifteen (a story for another time). I have accomplished many of my life goals, some I never thought possible. I also learned a great deal about myself, life and those I share it with. My mister has been among my most proficient instructors, teaching me such important lessons as "The best moments are those unplanned," and more vital ones such as the importance of accepting who you are.

We have had beautiful moments together, and we've had our share of ugly times as well. Even so, and even as painful as they can be, I see the latter as a chance to learn something new about ourselves about us. I love us as much as I love him. I love that we strengthen ourselves rather than weaken, build each other up instead of tear each other down, care about and for each other, and hold each others' dreams as our own. I love how he is willing to put me first, even at the cost of himself, and that I would do the same. I love that we cherish each others' happiness. So here's to the future!

1 Month Together:

6 Months Together:

1 Year Together:

1 Year, 5 Months (and nearly 6 years of friendship) Together: Engaged!

2 Years Together:

2 Years, 6 Months Together:

3 Years Together:

TO BE UPDATED =]

Mushy Couples or Lost Souls?

2009-05-05T17:47:00.000-07:00

For many years I have observed the discomforting trend of changing one’s screen name to some derivative of their significant other. Some choose the classic GuyName’s Angel, GirlName’s Man, one of the thousand titles, or the joint effort of HisName & HerName complete with not-so-cutesy hearts. Anytime I have witnessed these changes, I have had to swallow the bile rising in my throat from the sheer mushiness of it all…Then today my perspective changed when I noticed the once-level-headed, should-have-been-deleted-years-ago contact on my MSN Instant Messenger had changed her name to “David’s Girl.” I no longer saw it as the disgusting couple-y-ness of yesteryear, but a forfeiture of one’s identity.

I am Kaitlin H. It is the name that was stamped on my birth certificate, the name I have born with all my life--spare a short stint as “Jasmine” after the Disney release of “Aladdin”--and that did not change when I started dating Fox, my now-fiance. The thought never even crossed my mind to change my screen names to Fox’s Sweetheart. In fact, if it did, I think we both would have shuddered until our teeth rattled down our throats.

Why has society, and the media, mind-screwed people into believing love is shedding who you are for a life of minivans and matching sweater vests? Fox and I embrace our differences, support individuality, yet love each other deeply, and have a strong relationship, make a good team. It is possible to be “one” without losing who you are, it just takes more work, and it's important to remember: The similarities might be what first bonded us, but it is the differences that keep it interesting.

So...I will remain Kaitlin, Kai, or whatever derivative of my name without the hearts and love-dovey titles.

Kaiology 101

2009-05-05T14:31:00.000-07:00

Hello! I’m Kaitlin aka Kai, and welcome to my space!

I am a twenty-nothing soon-to-be wife who finds amusement in everyday life, and life lessons in everyone I meet.
I am a Christian, and God is everything to me.
I’m a daughter.
I’m a sister.
I’m a friend.
I’m in love with my best friend Fox, and consider myself blessed to be marrying him September 19, 2009.
I’m a reformed doormat.
I’m mildly OCD.
I laugh whenever possible--even if it’s at myself.
I’m a militant pacifist.
I tend to be sarcastic.
I tend to be a little eccentric, but with everything from royalty to cattle rustlers in my ancestry, I could hardly be faulted.
I’m as unique as I am average.
I’m childlike, not to be confused with childish.
I’m awed and excited by the smallest things.
I don’t believe that anything or anyone is “ordinary.”
I read the works of Shakespeare by the age of eleven, THEN Nancy Drew…I still haven’t quite figured that one out.
I’m a story teller, and am writing a novel, well, two to be exact.
I love art--photography, drawing, painting, jewelry-making, crafting, upcycling, basic metal work, etc.
I have too many passions and only one lifetime…My main focus, currently, is psychology and troubled youth counseling.
I own more records than CDs.
I love movies!
I love to watch old black-and-white movies with the sound turned off so I can make up the story with my sisters.
I’m outgoing and reserved.
I’m a realist and a dreamer.
I love children, and they seem to love me.
I am rhythmically challenged.
I cannot cook to save my life…or yours, but I’m working on it!
I tend to view the world through my camera’s lens.
I love the rain--the sound as hit’s a metal roof, kissing in it, dancing in it, walking under trees as the raindrops slip through the leaves and branches.
I love storms, and watching them from a window.
I love to swing, especially by the river.
I love ice cream.
I love fireworks.
I love cotton candy.
I am even starting to like anime thanks to my nerdy mister and friends.
I like video games like Guitar Hero, Phoenix Wright, and Touch Detective.
I’m proud to be an American, but I’m not proud of my government.
I’m anti-war.
I love searching for the truth and finding answers to difficult questions.
I am a melting pot, but predominantly Cherokee and Irish.
I was once stalked by a butterfly.
I died nearly five years ago on Mother’s Day.
I speak Spanish fluently in my sleep.
I can’t wear watches because those that come in contact with me for extended periods of time stop working.
I can do what Mario Andretti can…in a golf cart.
I’m simply complex and naturally inquisitive.
I’m a helpless optimist and hopeful romantic.
I’m a rebel without applause.
I’m down to earth.
I view myself as a work-in-progress, and am constantly working to improve who I am.
I always see the good in life even when its misbehaving.
I want to make the most of my life and help others make the most of theirs.
I sometimes turn Southern when I become angry...and start dropping G's left and right. For example: "Guessing" becomes "guessin'" ironically, however, foreigners have asked me if I am from their countries…
I can never stay angry, and always forgive.
I'm insulted by stupidity.
I’m extremely empathetic.
I can lend an ear, as long as I get it back.
I’m honest and loyal to a fault.
I want to make a difference because a difference was made in me.
I’m me because everyone else was taken.
I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not.