Spiders vs. 'Piders

I did battle with a spider today, and nearly lost. I love snakes. In fact, I've had one bigger around than my arm round my neck, but the word "spider" is enough to send me into convulsions...A friend of mine tries to make them sound "less threatening" by referring to Them as "'piders," but it doesn't work. A spider is a spider no matter the name or size. My spider theory--yes, obviously at one point I had too much time to actually develop a theory regarding the brutes--is that if you can see a spider, it's too big. Oh, and it deserves to die. Do NOT believe anyone who say you're a million times bigger than that "little thing," as if that makes them less fearsome. Uh, not to mention that David brought down Goliath.

Anyway, I have a 6th sense about spiders. If they're around, I know it. Just like I knew the one the size of a pinhead was trying to bungee jump onto my shoulder from his tiny little web. Today I was minding my own business--yeah, yeah, surprise of surprises--when I knew one was watching me. I look around, then I saw him, on the curtain. I jumped up and reached for the vacuum cleaner wand. I don't squash--that involves getting near the blasted thing--I suffocate. I don't want to hear "aww" or "how cruel." I'd like to see how you deal with a multi-eyed, eight legged, hideous, ugly, beastly invader. I came near, and I could almost hear his, "Uh oh."

He ran up the curtain and tried to hide in the folds, then when the vacuum cleaner growled, I jumped on my bed, wand in hand. The spider sprang on top of the curtain, and rushed towards me, then stopped as if he had seen this huge, wild-eyed, vacuum-wand-wielding giant, which he had... And tried to head up the wall. That is where he met his maker. Buffy slays vampires, I slay spiders. Not much of a difference, really. The moral of the story? I don't really have one. I hate spider, 'piders, and any other cutesy variations. I also hate that guy who thought it'd be funny to come up behind me with a tarantula, knowing how I felt about even the smallest spider, and stick it in my face. Needless to say he won't be reproducing. No loss to the human race, to be sure.