Today, May 9, is my 5th Deathiversary! I am so happy to be alive, enjoying life, facing its adversity, becoming a better person, living my dreams, and accomplishing my goals. Five years ago , I suffered from “spells”--instances when my vision would blur then go white, my hearing would fail, I would become weak, feel ill and as if I had eaten in days. They were horrible and terrifying because I never knew when they would occur.
Then Mother’s Day morning arrived. I woke early to ready for the special church service, and greeted my dad before heading to the bathroom. As I began to undress, I started to have a spell. Frustrated, I tried to fight it off (at times I was successful in fending them off), and sat down on the close toilet. Things went black, and my last thought before collapsing was “This is wrong! It never goes black.” Then I was lost with no sight, no sound, no thoughts.
After some time, I found I was walking down a shadowed path cut between two towering mountains. The foliage was barely discernable in the faded light, and I had perfect peace. I was practically skipping with excitement, and I had one circular thought, “I am going home! I am finally going home!” Then behind me, I could hear my parents calling for me, begging me to come back, but I did not wish to. I wanted to go home so very badly., so I kept walking .
A voice I can only describe as crashing thunder and the softest caress said, “Kaitlin, it’s not your time. Turn back.”
I wanted to disobey the voice more than anything, but I found I had no choice, and witnessed myself--all shadow--walking back into the light. I saw my parents standing over me, shaking me , and then with a jolt, I was back in my body. I wanted to tell them to stop shaking me, tapping my face, but I couldn’t speak, let alone hold my head up or open my eyes. After a few more moments, I managed to get out a few words, and they helped me to bed where they helped me redress before rushing my to the hospital.
Tests for everything,, from cancer to seizures, were run but nothing showed up and the doctor’s could come up with no explanation for why a healthy, active, young girl would drop dead at fifteen years of age. It was at the hospital I learned the full story. Apparently after I had left dad to shower, twelve minutes passed and he did not hear the water running so he had gone to check on me, thinking I had returned to bed.
He saw me slumped against the sink, colorless, blue-lipped, without a pulse or heartbeat, and not breathing. I was cold to the touch and no responsive. He panicked, and that is when I heard them begging me to come back. When the details of my experience trickled back, I told my family doctor. He was stunned at all I had witnessed, and in a reverent tone, he said to my parents, “Your daughter is a living miracle.”
After this, I was terrified of living, tried to plan every detail, risked nothing, and cheated myself of living.
It was not until I fell in love with my best friend, Fox, and risked it all by telling him how I felt at seventeen that I truly started on my journey. He returned my feelings, and taught me so many lessons, like the best moments are those unplanned.
I let go of trying to plan on an uncertain future, started experiencing, stepping outside my comfort zone, and truly began to live! I became more outgoing, accomplished some of my goals, lived some of my dreams, made new friends, and achieved happiness despite the chaos of the last few years. I can never thank God for the second chance He has given me, and I hope that when I leave again, I will have left a mark on this world, changed at least one person for the better, and that all who know me can say “She truly lived.”
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4 comments:
Hi Kai,
I've been linking around different blogs and just came upon yours. First of all congratulations on your wedding, that's AWESOME!!
What has compelled me to write is that your outlook on life since your near-death experience has really connected with me in a big way.
Last April 18th I was in a serious car accident in which I could have been killed. After that happened I went through the biggest changes I've ever gone through in my life. I feel I've been reborn.
Today I feel more than I used to. What I mean by that is I experience more empathy towards others and can feel what they're going through. Usually I can also read them very quickly.
Most significantly though is that I have such a greater appreciation of life and all the things that make it so great, especially the small things that many people overlook.
Sunrise has come to have a special meaning to me now, as each morning it's a sign that I'm alive. What better way to be shown that than with a spectacular show of colours in the sky?
I'm not a deeply spiritual person but I do believe that God had a reason for having me go through that ordeal. I've had so much personal growth in the past year, that I know that accident HAD to happen. That statement may sound strange to some but I have a feeling you'll understand what I mean.
Anyway, I'm thankful you survived your experience. Although I don't wish that on anybody it's nice to come across someone who's been through something similar (although your experience was worse than mine I'm sure).
It's so incredibly important to appreciate everything in our lives because, as cliche as it may sound, you really never do know when your time's up. Life's too short not to love it.
Barry
Thank you for sharing your experience! I truly understand the changes you mentioned as I recognize the same in my life.
NDEs truly embody the term "wake up call," because sometimes, coming close to the edge is what it takes to give us appreciation, direction, and understanding.
I too believe that everything happens for a reason, and I am thankful that my experience came at a time when I was already experiencing so much change.
After, with the help of my fiance and good friends, I was able to gain an even greater appreciation for life, and learn to live rather than live in fear.
Here's to living!
Kai
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”
Oscar Wilde
What a fantastic quote! I don't believe I have ever heard that one, but that is a sentiment I most definitely have held for a long while.
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